A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Effort made
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?