If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”