Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Well, that didn’t work.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
fixed it
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]