We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it