Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
the noise i just made
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
sliding into dms like
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids