family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
every college guy’s fridge