The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You Might Also Like
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”