This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
birds and squirrels envy us
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Mountain Goat : )