It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You Might Also Like
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.