You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
You Might Also Like
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
hackers play passwordle
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot