These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband