Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.