A great tip. #CakeRex
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.