Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.