When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
You Might Also Like
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Basketball
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?