Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.