January is lasting longer than my marriage
You Might Also Like
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.