me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.