Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.