I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”