Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
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*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary