If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
What the hell happened here.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.