waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Terribly Tuesday.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ouch
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…