What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
You Might Also Like
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.