It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.