There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.