Hard not to take this personally
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Sign of the day..
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2