Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The biggest mystery of our time
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.