I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
opening a flower shop called women in stem
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.