My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.