When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast