My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.