Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me