i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”