If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that