A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.