Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no