men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
She puts the hot in psychotic
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.