Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
is this how new cars are made??
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
🙁
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder