Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level