When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
⛄️
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.