I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
In case you needed to hear it:
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.