microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Guy who likes music
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?