billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*