Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I am crying
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
This January has 47 Mondays
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out