ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Does it…does it take 3 days
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate