Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Traveler’s camo
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Flowers bee like
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.