I hate when that happens.
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.