Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life