“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer